You Have To Break A Few Eggs

This morning I woke up thinking about the family reunion my family had years ago in Florida - maybe I was dreaming about it? But notice I said that my family had one, not that we did. Because I was not invited. To this day I have no idea why or what it was that I did that allowed them to make a group decision to exclude me entirely - and yes, it still bothers me. A lot. I was humiliated and heartbroken, trust me if you want it brought to your attention that you are not wanted in your family have that happen to you. I can guarentee you it will more than drive that  fact home. And no, I didn't stop speaking to them - I cried a lot but got past it. But it did change my relationship with them - I no longer had the illusion that I am a real part of that family, brutal but freeing. And I think it changed me too, as angry and upset as I was it did not change fact I will always be on the outside looking in. 

But you cannot sit and cry forever. 

It forced me to form new relationships and to strenghten old ones. It made me realize that like my reason not to believe in god - having faith  in yourself and depending on yourself first is not a bad thing and you will rarely let you down. Being free of that obligation makes you braver - I don't know if I would have had the courage to move across the country if that had not happened. And I don't know if it would have been as wonderful had Kim not been waiting for me. We have been best friends since Jr high school and through the years and children, job changes, moves here and there we've never lost contact with each other. In the back of my mind I always knew we would be together again. And we are. We see Kim and Steve every weekend, we've vacationed together - I have a real Emergency Contact now! And I have Brandi and the granddaughters, it is so wonderful being able to see them on a regular basis. They no longer look bigger everytime I see them - it used to be everytime we saw them it was a whole new set of kids. 

We're still mulling over what we are going to do with the houses, etc... but as I laid there this morning I felt like - life is good. A new house, a new state, old friends, a new puppy, David at my side and we still like each other almost 40 years later. So altough some changes have been painful, they don't stay that way, do they? And there are many times in life you don't ever get to know why things happened, you need to just accept that they did and move on. And for the most part I have, haven't I?

Here's to 2021 - and beyond.