Fifty

I'm OK. I really am. It's funny how there are certain, unexpected times in your life that you thought would be - I don't know, terrible or depressing and strangely - they are not. Fifty has turned out to be one of my better moments I think - I look my age but inside - I feel 24. Right now, right here I feel happy. I'm not rich, not poor, my house is just right. My weight is almost where I'd like it, my cat is the best cat in the universe and I like my little corner of the world. Not that everything is perfect mind you - I worry about Adam getting out of the navy and Jackson being in Afghanistan, Claw the Evil cat spends her days sleeping in the root cellar and I think it will not be long now. Not a day goes by that I don't miss Setsu and Mikio or think of them - I still can't figure out how I could forget that I liked peanut butter at some point in my life when I can't even remember ever eating it. But I get the privilege of being fifty - being young enough to go hiking and old enough to spend the weekend sitting and knitting. I'm young enough to enjoy my job and find it exciting - and old enough to know how to do it. I get to be past all the very bad stuff, it's way back there in my rear view and I look to the future of puttering about, trips to Ohio - when I mean to and when I -oops! - didn't mean to - life is no longer a race but a canoe in the river.  I enjoy feeling safe. I have no idea what the future holds - will our money hold out, will the economy stagger and sink? Am I going to be healthy? Or not? Will I run out of yarn before I run out of time? I could ponder and worry, but right now I just don't want to - this weekend I'm on call so I can't go hiking (no cell service in the woods) - but I'm going to be putting my knitting book collection up on my new bookshelves that David built for me, I'll walk the dog and go grocery shopping. I'll read and knit, knit and read, watch TV and talk to David. It's not always true but sometimes, sometimes happiness is in your own backyard. And more importantly - if you find happiness you need to appreciate it for what it is, because it goes away much faster than it comes.